i took my dog for a walk yesterday and i could smell summer in the air,  see it in the grass in the fields, and feel it against my skin. it is approaching fast, season wise that is because i am already home from school for the summer. every summer i say "this summer will be different" and again i find myself repeating that mantra over and over. i will work out more. i will run 4 times a week. i will eat healthy. i will work. i will volunteer. i will pitch in more around the house. i will help out my mom more physically and emotionally. i will try to meet these goals. try try try. and as summer begins, i always do try, but unfortunately i tend not to continue the trying for longer than a few weeks. i just need the motivation, the drive to keep me going. i have the drive at school. that's for sure (i managed a 4.0 this semester..yay me!) but sometimes i feel like because i work so damn hard at school, i don't work hard enough outside of school.  but i'm starting out the summer trying again, so we'll see if i make it farther than summers before.
my biggest goal for this summer is to stay/get fit and do the same for my mother. i'm slightly out of shape for my age, but definitely not terrible. i try to stay active, but again, it's the motivation but today was sort of a call back to reality...i was laying on the couch reading a health magazine (sort of ironic i know) but i started skimming this article about body fat and all the negative things it leads to...some that i knew and some that i didnt. heart disease, joint pain, dementia...etc. and it was all shocking. and the worst part of it all is that with my mother's age and weight, she's at a great risk for all of these. it scares me. and she has tried to diet and tried to work out but she can never stick with it. just like me...but i want to stick with it for my mom. for her health. for her life. we have started getting up early to walk together with our dog before my mom needs to get ready for work. when we set out the first day, i didn't think anything of it and i started walking at a naturally strong pace, the pace i would take with my dog, but within a few minutes she was already a little out of breath and that scared me. i tried to slow down more to her pace, but it was hard for me to believe that my mother had a hard time keeping up with me at a pace that i thought was decent...it just scares me. probably more than she'll ever know.
my relationship with my mother has really strengthened since i went to college. i would actually say more over this past year. i think it has been the distance that has somehow forced us to grow closer.  and i have been coming home every weekend to work, so with that added contact and with all my other friends away at school it has allowed my mother and i to bond. and i thank God everyday for that.  she and i have been more friends to one another than i ever would have expected at this point in my life and its that friendship that has helped me through some of the hardest parts in my life. i tell her how much i love her everyday. i love my mom :)

i don't really know where to begin..i'm a sophomore now and school is harder than ever before. i feel like my head is just going to explode because there is so much to do. life is stressful but i'm mentally better than i thought i would be at this point. my boyfriend and i broke up over christmas. i thought it was the end of the world....i'm still healing but i'm good. realistically i haven't been single since i was fifteen, so this is good for me. i'm learning to live for myself. be independent and it scared the hell out of me at first but its working. every day is easier. for the first time in a long time i am truly happy and pleased with my mental health. yes i get stressed and yes i get sick of some people in my life, but i have learned to deal. i bitch about it and move on. end of story. and i've begun to realize how immature my peers are. not saying i'm the most mature human being, but you'd be surprised how petty and inconsiderate others can be. instead of stressing myself out and getting upset, i try to take a step back, breath, and remind myself to be less like that individual. of course i still get frustrated, such as 10 minutes ago when i opened the window and my roommate got out of bed to shut it. i politely asked her to leave it open slightly because i get warm and she gets cold..i thought it was a good compromise. she didn't even consider it. which doesn't surprise me because she is not a considerate individual and yes i'm still upset and it is something stupid to be upset about, but its the subject of the action. not the action itself. so i'm cooling down and telling myself to be more considerate of others, more compromising, and less like her.

i've been feeling sorry for my mom lately.  she seems to be in a real slump and i don't know what to do.  i think its because she no longer has a man in her life and will be alone next year after my youngest brother goes to school.  i just dont know how to help her.  she needs to learn that its ok to be by herself. and that she cant expect to find someone as perfect as my father over night. i hope i am lucky enough to find someone as wonderful as he was..its still hard not to choke up when i think about him. its one of the few things i actually allow myself to hurt about.

well i really need sleep...have to get up early tomorrow and get some work done. too bad i couldn't have been motivated today. but i did have one of the most relaxing fun days i've had in awhile..i enjoyed the time i got to spend with my friends near and my textbooks closed :)

 this week should go well. i had a quiz today, but other than that, nothing really pressing.  went bowling tonight with my friends and had a blast. love them, but it's still hard to talk about things with them.  making a whole new circle of friends is difficult.  its so scary to open up to someone new...usually i talk to my boyfriend but our schedules have been so out of sync lately its been hard to catch a time where to the two of us can actually have a conversation that consists of more than "how are you today?" and "what have you been up to?"  right now my heart hurts and i wish there was someone here.  someone here to hold my hand, to wipe my tears, just to hold me.  another hard part about new friends is there's little or no physical contact.  i know that sounds odd, but as humans we need physical contact.  we need hugs, a warm embrace and with new friends sometimes that can be awkward.  sometimes when i go see my boyfriend and hug him it's so strange because i can't remember the last time i actually touched someone else's skin. and it feels good to make that connection again.  its what i need now. i need the nurturing of my mom. when i lay on the couch with my head in her lap and she strokes my hair and we just talk.  now some may think its weird to still be doing this at my age, but i don't care. it always makes me feel better. i'll be home this weekend, but since it's easter, there wont be much free time.  so i'm homesick, which kind of scares me because i rarely feel this way.  i was just home for spring break less than two weeks ago, but something today has just made me miss my family so much.  now when i go home this weekend i'll get to see my mom, my brothers, and my sister-in-law, but someone will be missing.  someone will always be missing and its that reason i hurt the most.  i never got to have serious talks with my father.  he was very soft spoken and preferred listening to talking.  i often wonder how our relationship would be now.  i know he would miss me like crazy while i am away at school.  i was always his little girl. sometimes i wish emotions didn't exist because then i wouldn't feel this way.  i know there would never be happiness, never be love, but there would also never be sorrow or anguish.  someone just told me that a friend once told her that it doesn't get easier, it just gets less horrible.  how true is that.  those that tell you that it gets easier with time have never experienced such pain.  never felt such a sense of loneliness. 
i wish i could have a few happy posts, but it seems to be the only time i feel like writing is when i'm hurting.  

i can't imagine my life without music. 
a) because i LOVE to sing
b) because it changes your mood

sad songs make me cry. upbeat songs lift me up.  "She's Electric" by Oasis is currently uplifting my soul.  music can have such a strong impact on people.  there's this hymn we sing sometimes in church.  it's called "On Eagles Wings" most beautiful lyrics but i hate it.  it makes me cry.  every time i heard it when i was little my mom would cry.  they sang it at her dad's funeral.  now i cry when i hear it.  they sang it at my dad's funeral.  last year our high school lost two sophomore girls in a car accident.  i didn't know the girls well, but went to their funerals.  being more sensitive to loss than most i cried for these girls and their families.  "On Eagles Wings" was sung at both funerals.  i hadn't cried that hard since my dad's funeral.  first time i'd heard the song since that day.  i thanked God that my boyfriend was there by my side those days.  he knew the impact the song has on my life and held me up both times.  without him there i know i would have collapsed in pain.  i thank God for putting him in my life. 

the thought of my calculus class at eight tomorrow morning is urging me to bed.  
one thought left in my mind now:
goodnight daddy..i hope i see you in my dreams tonight.

so i'm back at school. spring break just finished. early for spring break i know, but it was definitely a nice week.  few of my friends from high school were home, (they're spring breaks are either this week or next) so i got to spend time with my family.  i never really realize how much i miss them until i come home. i was especially excited to see my older brother and his wife. i haven't been home since before they told me they were expecting a baby :)  to be honest i was pissed about them expecting. really young. jobs not so great. live in a small apartment. but they can handle it. i'm getting more excited each day! it's due late september, so we've got quite the wait, but oh well. still exciting. i have to focus on fun positive things like that this week. i know this week will be hell. mostly because i have a huge exam and have no clue what we're doing in that class, but oh well. things usually turn out better than expected in the end.  also i'm afraid my boyfriend and i are breaking up soon.  i'm scared.  i know i could live without him, but i just don't want to.  he means more to me than he could ever know.  he's been there for me through everything but our lives are so different than they were before.  long distance relationships are much harder than i could have ever imagined. two different schools. different classes. different surroundings. entirely different groups of friends. it sucks and i hate it.  well i'll just wait and see.
my current dilemma is where to go to school next year. i either stay here or go where my boyfriend is. not because he's there, but because it's a bigger school where i can get a better education.  now just hearing that, i'm sure the decision looks easy, but not so much.  school A (where i am now) is smaller, less well-known, but cheaper. and i have made close friends here. and i'm finally comfortable in my surroundings. also i've already started to form relationships with my professors (which will look excellent on my application for grad school).  school B, where my boyfriend is, is bigger. more expensive, but more opportunities.  more internships, more programs, more everything.  and it's a well known school and i could probably get a better education than i could where i am now. ugh. i wish i would have thought more about schools while i was in high school. if i could do it over, i would do it different. but i can't do it over, so what to do now is the question. 

well i've  had some time to cool down...oh how petty things seem so important sometimes.
my post a few hours ago now seems so childish..so immature. but it helped. had a good cry and am feeling better.
now the problem is sleep and how i can't.

so now i'm going to bitch because everyone around me is sick of hearing me bitch today. so i woke up and felt sick. sick to my stomach. sick with a head cold. sick with probably the flu. wouldn't that be just my luck today.  i tried to nap after class. my roommate decided to watch tv. loudly. well that's fine. i slept for maybe 10 mins out of the hour i was in bed but i knew i'd get to nap later. so i went to a speaker (to get extra credit in a class) not only did i not understand a word of the speech, he was just a terrible speaker.  no fun to listen to. so i went back to my room to try to nap again. tv. loud. once more. ugh. so now i'm getting aggravated. i went to lab in a bad mood. came back from lab, still in a bad mood. layed in bed with the tv on about 30. once again i was not the one watching it, but the odd thing is, neither was the roommate. she decided it was the opportune moment to listen to music (loudly), talk on the phone (loudly), and paint her nails (stinky). she likes to be loud. and stink. well by stink i mean paint her nails a ton and microwave gross smelling food. oh and leave her garbage in here too long. so i'm getting sicker by the moment. had to leave the room because of the stench. making me sicker. then i went to the bio wing to feed the iguanas. it's a project. that made me a little happier. they are crazy little lizards. well not so little, but you get the point.  then i talked to my mom. i'm going home tomorrow (spring break) and her talking about it just drives me crazy because i want to get out of here badly. after i got off the phone with her i went to dinner. nothing to eat. but my peanut butter and honey sandwich made me smile. yay. then later my computer broke. then i realized i cant do calculus and i have a quiz tomorrow. then the big zit on my upper lip started to hurt. then i took a break from homework and tried to watch a movie with some friends. american history x. depressing. didn't help. we got distracted by the internet. not surprising. then i checked a grade for something i thought i did relatively well on. i got a c. pissed again. and all my friends saw. even more pissed. so i left. went back to my room and cried. cried for everything. but had to cry softly. roommate is sleeping. even though she is inconsiderate i am still too nice to be anything but considerate. ok i'm sure she's not out to piss me off and annoy me, but some of the things she does drive me crazy. i'm sure she says the same about me. oh well. that's what happens when you live with someone. especially with someone you have absolutely nothing in common with. but that's another story entirely. oh and i've been telling my boyfriend about my bad day and he just says i'm sorry. thanks hon. helps a ton. ugh. sarcasm is a bitch too. i'm trying not to be a bitch to him because i'm sure he's just tired of my bitching. i would be too. i just feel extremely defeated. this is going to be a depressing journal because i only write when i'm upset or something similar to upset.  unfortunate for those who read this. well that's no one, but that's not a problem.  today sucked. that's it. but tomorrow will be better, although i feel tomorrow will never come.  i think everyone feels that way sometimes. i know i do.  

 I always hate starting a new journal.  Do I describe myself a little?  Tell about my past?  Or do I just dive in where I am right now in my life?  I think I'll start at the beginning.  I grew up with nothing less of a happy childhood.  Loving parents.  Two brothers (one older, one younger) who picked on me, but I always knew they loved me.  As far as I can remember, I've always been pretty shy.  My first childhood friend was Kasey.  I met her in preschool.  Kasey and I are still friends, but not as close as we were.  I don't think I've ever been saddened by that fact until now.  We grew up together, but in middle school we grew apart.  We have our differences now, many of them actually, but she's never been a bad friend to me.  I've been the bad friend.  Anyway, Kasey was my first friend.  She gave me the strength to talk to the other little girls, to go out and make new friends.  I should thank her.  I was still pretty shy throughout elementary school.  Unfortunately I have few memories from elementary school.  I imagine I was very happy then...not a care in the world.  I would say Intermediate school and Middle school were definitely my awkward years.  Wait, I have to include freshman year of high school too.  Fourth through sixth grade were my awkward pudgy years.  Cross country in seventh and eighth grade saved my social life.  One of my favorite memories from middle school has to be the nights we would dress up and go to open skating at the local hockey rink.  There we would hold hands with boys and skate around in circles.  Sounds silly, and I'm sure we looked silly, but we lived for those friday nights.  Middle school brought my first boyfriends as well.  I had about 10 in the course of three years.  Oddly enough, this number was low compared to those of my friends.  Looking back, I've realized I haven't been single for a long period of time, but I never thought guys looked at me like that.  To this day, I still find it hard to believe.  High school started and I have never been so unsure of myself as I was freshman year.  My sophomore year started and things were better.  I always had tons of friends, so that was never the issue, but I was so self conscious.  I still need to work on that.  

Sophomore year was the hardest year of my life.  Well the last half of sophomore year was the hardest part of my life.  The day before christmas break my dad was killed in a car accident.  Life no longer had a meaning.  I didn't need to eat, I didn't need to talk, I didn't need to work, because my dad was dead and none of that would bring him back.  I think a lot of the issues I struggle with are because i struggle so much with that subject.  I wish I could face it, but to this day, three years later, I still have trouble with it.  It's frustrating because I want someone to blame, feel I need someone to blame, but there's no one to point my finger at.  No one to yell at.  No one to be mad at.  Thats the hard part.  And everyone says "Everything happens for a reason."  And to that I say bullshit.  And everyone says "Time heals all."  And again i say bullshit.  And everyone says "It will get easier" and once more i say bullshit.  It never gets easier.  Its never easier to tell myself that my dad is dead.  I will never get to hug him, tell him i love him, have him walk me down the aisle, see me graduate college, watch him bounce his grandchildren on his knee.  None of that.  it's bull shit to tell me it gets easier.  Now i just know I have to face it.  It's the truth but it's never going to be easy to admit that its the truth, so don't ever tell me it will be.  The other day, a girl's dad died in a car accident, just like my dad's.  I went to school with her.  She was on my soccer team.  He hit a semi head on.  I don't know her well but I sent her a message on line, gave her my cell phone number and told her to call me day or night if she ever wanted to.  I will never tell her that it gets easier, because I don't believe it does.  I don't think I will ever tell her that either because if someone would have told me then, I would have given up on ever being happy again.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes I really have to work at being happy.  But those rare moments when I don't try to be happy and find myself smiling are heaven.  From three years ago until now, those moments are becoming more frequent, but they still surprise me.  

Sometimes I find myself feeling alone.  I'm at a college without any of my high school friends.  I've discovered that most of those girls really don't care whether or not we stay in touch, which has humbled me quite a bit, probably more than it should have.  I guess I would say it's past humbling.  For awhile I was pretty down on myself.  My friends at home weren't the friends I thought they were and I really didn't have much for friends here.  Now things are much better.  My friends here are so great.  So now that my friend situation is good, of course my boyfriend situation isn't.  We've been best friends since sixth grade.  We dated then.  For nine months and held hands twice.  Oh the good old days.  Now we've almost been dating for a year.  We go to school four hours away from each other.  Which has proven itself harder than I ever could have imagined.  We are slipping apart and I'm scared.  I dont' want to sound cliche, but I have always thought we would get married.  I can't picture my life without him and I don't want to.  I sound so pathetic, but I don't feel pathetic.  I have thought I was in love before, but it's never felt like this.  When all I want is his happiness, and care about everything from his toe nails to the roots of his hair.  I am head over heels in love with this boy and just that fact scares me.  I'm too trusting and I know that.  My biggest fear is hurting.  I can't ever see him hurting me, but it still scares me.  I know that doesn't make much sense, but that's how I feel.  Anyway our relationship has changed and we both know it.  Neither of us think breaking up is the answer, but I'm still afraid it may happen and so does he.  He told me that if we do break up he thinks we'll get back together.  So do I, but I can't see either of us living without the other one for very long.  This all sounds so dumb to me, and probably to who ever may read this, but I just wish I could share the contents of my heart, or my soul.  He understands me, he makes me want to be a better person, he gives me the strength to stand up for myself, be my own person.  I love him.